“Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.” – Dale Carnegie

We all want to be happy—that elusive emotional state that has us buying self-help books, attending seminars, and scrolling through Instagram posts with inspirational quotes superimposed on sunset backgrounds. We want that magical life where everything falls into place, where we have great relationships, fulfilling jobs, perfect bodies, and enough money to never worry about anything ever again.

But here’s the thing about happiness that nobody wants to talk about: it’s not about what you get, it’s about what you’re willing to put up with to get it.

Yeah, I know. Not exactly the sunshine and rainbows you were hoping for.

Let me ask you something that might make you uncomfortable: What pain are you willing to tolerate in your life?

Most people have never asked themselves this question. They’ll tell you what they want all day long—success, love, recognition, wealth—but they’ve never stopped to consider what shitty situations they’re willing to endure to get those things.

The Three Needs That Drive Us All

Psychologists talk about three fundamental needs that drive human behavior—achievement, affiliation, and power. These sound fancy, but they’re pretty simple:

Achievement folks are the ones who want to excel at something. They’re the straight-A students, the entrepreneurs who work 80-hour weeks, the CrossFit fanatics posting their WOD results.

Affiliation seekers are the social butterflies who need connections. They’re the people who can’t stand eating lunch alone, who maintain group chats with 20 people, who feel physically ill if someone doesn’t like them.

Power seekers want control. Some want to control others (hello, micromanagers and dictators), while others want influence to achieve something bigger than themselves (think activists and political leaders).

We all have some mixture of these needs, but usually one dominates. And here’s where it gets interesting: each of these paths comes with its own special flavor of suffering.

The Achievement Tax

I used to think I wanted to be a rock star. For years, I daydreamed about standing on stage, guitar in hand, while thousands of fans lost their minds to my music. The fantasy was intoxicating.

But I never became a rock star. Want to know why? Because I loved the idea of being on stage, but I hated practicing scales for hours. I loved the idea of touring, but I couldn’t stand the thought of loading equipment at 2 AM after a gig. I wanted the result without the process.

The achievers I know—the ones who actually succeed—don’t just tolerate the grind; they embrace it. The novelist who writes 1,000 words every day, even when inspiration is nowhere to be found. The athlete who trains through injuries and exhaustion. The entrepreneur who works weekends and misses birthday parties.

They don’t just want the trophy; they want the sweat and calluses too.

The Affiliation Burden

People who need connection pay a different price. They endure the anxiety of potential rejection. They navigate complicated social dynamics. They compromise parts of themselves to maintain harmony.

I have a friend who can’t stand conflict of any kind. He’ll agree with opinions he doesn’t share. He’ll go to restaurants he hates. He’ll watch movies that bore him to tears. All to avoid the discomfort of someone being upset with him.

The price of his need for affiliation is authenticity. He’s willing to pay it every day.

The irony is that the relationships worth having often require weathering conflicts, having difficult conversations, and sometimes standing your ground even when it’s uncomfortable.

The Power Struggle

Those driven by power face their own special hell. If you want influence, you have to deal with resistance. You have to make decisions that will piss people off. You have to weather criticism and sometimes outright hatred.

Look at any politician, CEO, or even a parent. Power means responsibility, and responsibility means getting blamed when things go wrong.

The people who truly wield power effectively have made peace with being disliked. They’ve accepted that making an impact means making enemies.

Finding Your Preferred Pain

So here we are, back at the uncomfortable question: What pain are you willing to accept?

Because that’s the real choice we make in life. Not what rewards we want, but what struggles we’re willing to endure. Not what destination appeals to us, but what path we’re willing to walk.

I’ve met countless people who say they want to write a book. When I ask them what they’re working on, they tell me about the great idea they’ve had for years but haven’t started yet. They want to have written a book, but they don’t want to write one.

I’ve known dozens of people who say they want a loving relationship, but they’re not willing to be vulnerable, to communicate honestly, to prioritize someone else’s needs alongside their own.

The truth is brutal but liberating: You don’t get to choose your rewards in life. You only get to choose your struggles. The rewards come as a result.

The Reality Check

Here’s a practical exercise: Think about something you’ve wanted for a long time but haven’t achieved.

Now, instead of focusing on the outcome, think about the process required to get there. Are you avoiding that process? Do you find yourself making excuses to not engage with it?

If so, you don’t really want that thing. You want the idea of it.

And that’s fine! We don’t have to want everything. But we should be honest with ourselves about what we’re actually willing to work for.

I realized I didn’t want to be a musician—I wanted to have been a musician. I wanted the identity without the journey. Once I admitted this to myself, I could stop feeling like a failure for not pursuing a dream I didn’t actually want.

Your Life’s Fingerprint

What’s fascinating about our preferred struggles is how unique they are to each of us. Some people find joy in the pain of physical exertion but can’t stand emotional conflict. Others can handle criticism with ease but find financial risk unbearable.

These preferences aren’t random—they’re shaped by our temperament, our experiences, our values. They’re as distinctive as our fingerprints.

When you understand what struggles feel meaningful to you—what pain gives you purpose rather than just suffering—you gain extraordinary clarity about how to live.

The achievement-oriented person who’s been trying to force themselves into a social job will always feel drained. The affiliation-seeker who’s chosen a solitary career will always feel empty. The power-oriented individual stuck in a role with no autonomy will always feel frustrated.

The Question That Changes Everything

So here it is, the question that can reorient your entire life:

“What pain do I want in my life? What am I willing to struggle for?”

Answer that, and you’ll know what to pursue. You’ll know what to say yes to and what to decline. You’ll know when to persist through difficulty and when to walk away from something that isn’t for you.

Because ultimately, who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for. People who get in shape are those who find meaning in the pain of exercise. People who build successful businesses are those who find purpose in the stress of risk and uncertainty. People who build deep relationships are those who find value in the discomfort of vulnerability.

The struggles you choose become your path. The path becomes your life. And somewhere along that path, you’ll find what you’re looking for—not because you achieved your goal, but because you became the kind of person who could achieve it.

And that, paradoxically, is when you’ll realize that the struggle itself was the point all along.